It's like I'm dying from the inside out. The hurt grows stronger and stronger and I see my wall of protection crumble around me. Because I know that my oasis will soon drift away. And every time I hear a sad song, all I can hear is all of this coming to a close. I'm trying not to think about it, but I can't stop it. It creeps up on me like a lion about to attack it's prey. This has been like a dream where it's so incredible you force yourself to go back to sleep just to see a little more, just to live in your fantasy world for a second longer. But seeing all of this fall down in front of me is a new kind of dream. It's a dream where you know you are not in reality. And the dream is so bad you can't stand it. So you push and push to try and make your eyelids lift up but you just can't do it. And you try harder but it just hurts too much so you let the fate come upon you. And the sad thing is there is something about this place that makes me feel again and now I have to leave it behind. I can finally trust again. And although I have been let down so much before, I can just let all of that drift away. I don't have to do anything anymore. I'm in this magical state of bliss and nothing I do, no mistakes I make will stick. I can live. I can run free. I can try to breathe again. Because for so long I couldn't breathe without you, but by being here, little by little, my lungs once again fill with oxygen. And I was so scared by being here I was going to fall again, into a whirl wind of love and regret. I was scared that I might begin to stare again. Not in the way of stalking or daydreaming. But in the way of liking someone and you catch yourself staring at him. Hoping you will catch his eye staring back at you. And you do it because you like his smile and the way he walks. And I was so afraid I had done that to myself again. Because it's the biggest disappointment in the world when you spend so much time staring, and in the end he is nothing like you wished he was. He just lets you down. And then you are left feeling like an old newspaper on a rainy day. Wet, with your ink running, and feeling completely useless. And you feel mad and hurt and upset. But most of all you feel betrayed because that smile and that walk let you down. They deceived you. And it kills you to watch him walk out of your life after all that time. Taking the thing he used to make you fall head over heals, give you the biggest pain. All of that wishing and all of that hoping and all of that waiting all just went to waste. And I was so scared that was going to happen all over again. But as it all came to a close I realized that I may have fallen for your smile but I never fell for anything else. Not your laugh, not the way your voice hit my ears, not the sound of your name, not your old blue zip up sweatshirt, not the shoes you used to wear, not the way you walked. And it didn't hurt as I watched you walk out of my life I didn't feel a thing. I realize I never could have really fallen for you because you never made me feel anything. You never gave me that rush that falling for someone brings to you. But the fact that I never felt anything scares me. And even though there was that one night where I felt everything again it is just an old memory now. And it's like piece by piece my whole body is slowing disintegrating until the person who I have become slowly melts away. And the person who I was takes control of my mind once again. And I can see all of my dreams drift away, and all of my fears come back inside my head.