all the world has no eyes

only an ear to read the traveller's map

and the music plays a nothings tune

of an angel's flute

on the devil's lune

sending pentagrams into the galaxy

little is left

no innocence in infamy

I have to believe that we are invincible.  

I have to believe in making choices that can always be changed. 

I have to believe that it is better to do what is right than what is easy.

I have to believe that the way I think of myself will always matter more than what other people think of me.

I have to believe that if you truly love someone you will always love them more than you will miss them.

I have to remember that I cannot believe in the things I do not love because there is no point in believing in something that is not in your heart.

But those are easy things to try to believe in.

But, if I have believe in signals from God, then what is this? If I have believe that the dead can speak through the living, then what are you trying to say? 

If I believe in you, then what do I believe in? 

I have to believe in your remorse and I have to believe in your regret and sorrow because otherwise I have nothing to believe in. I have to remember what you tried to do with your last days, an continue to unfold your first.

I hope I believe in this, and I hope I believe in myself,and I hope I believe in you.

I'm in quite a predicament, you see. I've managed to convince everyone of my reasons for leaving, everyone except myself. On the surface I see it as an opportunity to further my education or whatever crap I'm telling people these days. But if anyone was to dig a little deeper they would see the truth. I'm doing it again, running away. This time however, I'm not trying to find my "Great Perhaps" I'm just trying to get away from what was supposed to be. Trying to run away from the promise I was given, the promise that broke. Shattered into a million pieces, but I still can't face the truth. I can't even try to pick them up because I can't bear to look at them. It wasn't supposed to be this way, this wasn't supposed to happen. And when I finally realized there was no hope, was when I realized I didn't care, and I was never going to. Maybe I have too high expectations, maybe I built this up to be something it never could. But shouldn't it at least come close? Shouldn't there be something or someone trying to keep me here? It seems like everyday is just one more reason this place isn't my "Great Perhaps". The smallest things holding me back are fading fast and I don't think I will be able to last without them. The problem is I don't care. And without caring I have no fear of losing anything. Without the fear of loss, making this into anything remarkable is going to be impossible. Now I don't know if its because I'm good at acting or because the people I know don't care enough to stop and say anything, but how can it be that all of these terrible thoughts can occur in my head, but never make the slightest appearance anywhere else. Nothing makes sense anymore. It's like I'm losing faith in the real world, but maybe it never existed, maybe there is no real world at all. 

I haven't seen you in a while. And by a while I mean over a year now. But I can't blame you, it's not like you wanted to see me anyway. I've been thinking a lot. Too much maybe. But all of this thinking is kind of bullshit, you know? Because when it comes down to it there is nothing for me to try and figure out. I keep on trying to force myself into the place that I have been put. But the harder and harder I try to make it work, I'm realizing more and more that it's never really going to. People here, they're different. They always need someone to like, someone to focus their energy on. And I think by being here I've tried to do that too. But it keeps on not working out. Not that it doesn't work out with the person, it just doesn't really work out in my mind. I can never put together if I really like them or not. And the truth is, I don't like anybody here, and I don't think I'm ever going to. I don't think I even like you anymore. I mean I know you knew. I was obvious. And the question I have a really hard time trying to ask is did you ever like me? At all? You know I don't think it matters now. It's not like it's going to make a difference. I just wish you were here. Because I miss you. I miss loving you. I miss the life I had when I knew you. My memories of you keep fading away, and I'm afraid of losing them. They're all I have left to hold onto. Anyway, I'm sorry for everything, I'm even sorry for writing this. You shouldn't have to cloud my thoughts any longer. If you're out there though, if you're listening I just want you to be able to forget everything I ever did to you. I know you happy, living you're new life and all. I wouldn't want to go ahead and mess things up for you again. 

I fell into a medicated sleep. It started off with a race, in which I realized I always stopped before the finish line and prolonged my ending before I crossed to the other side. I saw my past. I saw everyone. They were all the same. None of them had changed in my absence. Then I was on a bus. And I saw you again. And you hated me. So once again in the frenzy of my sleep I apologized for everything. But this time you heard me, but you didn't forgive me until I gave up everything. When I woke up this time, I felt the same way I had felt before. Heartbroken. Because I know I'm not ever going to get that chance to apologize. I'm never going to be able to say I'm sorry. The only way I'm ever going to be able to see you again is in my dreams. I miss what I almost had with you, and I'm sorry that I gave it up. But in this dream I realized I actually had it. At one point in my life, but I'm far off from that point now. You know it's not that much fun to be here right now. I feel like all the time I spent with you was a dream. And now, here, in what I suppose is my new reality all I can feel is alone. It's hard to even remember our late night conversations, and reassurance in your smile, because you feel a bit more like a faded dream to me. I keep on trying to throw myself at people, saying that I've moved on but the truth is I haven't. Because none of them measure up to you. You don't deserve what I put you through, and I'm sorry because I need you more than ever right now. But I know you won't be coming back anymore. 

When's the day you start again

And when the hell does you'll get over it begin

I'm looking hard in the mirror

But I don't fit my skin

It's too much to take

It's too hard to break me

From the cell I'm in

Oh from this moment on

I'm changing the way I feel yeah

From this moment on

It's time to get a real

Cause I still don't know how to act

Don't know what to say

Still wear the scars like it was yesterday

But you're long gone and moved on

Cause you're long gone

But I still don't know where to start, still finding my way

Still talk about you like it was yesterday

But you're long gone and moved on

But you're long gone, you moved on

So how'd you pick the pieces up yeah

I'm barely used to saying me instead of us

The elephant in the room keeps scaring off the guests

It gets under my skin to see you with him

And it's not me that you're with

Oh from this moment on

I'm changing the way I feel yeah

From this moment on

It's time to get a real

Cause I still don't know how to act

Don't know what to say

Still wear the scars like it was yesterday

But you're long gone and moved on

Cause you're long gone

But I still don't know where to start, still finding my way

Still talk about you like it was yesterday

But you're long gone and moved on

But you're long gone, you moved on

No I can't keep thinking that you're coming back

No

Cause I got no business knowing where you're at

No

And it's gonna be hard yeah

Cause I have to wanna heal yeah

And it's gonna be hard yeah

The way I feel that I have to get real

I still don't know how to act

Don't know what to say

Still wear the scars like it was yesterday

But you're long gone and moved on

But you're long gone

But I still don't know where to start, still finding my way

Still talk about you like it was yesterday

But you're long gone and moved on

But you're long gone, you moved on

But you're long gone, you moved on

Eh eh, oh oh

Eh eh, oh oh

But you're long gone, you moved on

-The Script

Long Gone and Moved On 

I dont belong here. This isn't my life. But I did a damn good job of shutting my old one out. So now I just don't know what to do. I feel like I keep trying to force emotions onto myself, but the truth is I really don't have many at the moment. I don't know why I have the urge to cry all the time. I don't know why I wear a smile when I'm simply not happy where I am. You know why the fuck does everyone need to like someone. I mean I'm still in love with you, but as I've said countless times before I'm in love with what you were and what I like to pretend you still are rather than what you really are. You know I'm sorry I told people about us. People here, but really people in general. I should have kept it a secret that only the moon and the sun and the stars would know. And then maybe a few years down the road you would come running back here. And you would say you needed me and I would say I was sorry for all of the things I had done to you. And then we could go off and be together. And then maybe I would be happy, whatever that means. But if I never told anyone there would be no reason for you to come running back because you might still be here. And I wouldn't need you to tell me you needed me because I would already know. And there would be no reason for me to say I was sorry because I never would have messed up in the first place. I feel like never talking about you to anyone but myself ever again. What happened with you is too fragile to try to explain to anyone who wasn't there. I'm sorry I ever brought it up, you don't deserve this.