Sometime at the start of the calender year I told myself that now its complicated, there are so many lies, too little truths. You don't know who to believe and when things change for better or for worse its hard to adapt, to remember, and to move on. Sometimes you are going to lose the most important person in your life but you just have to try and shed the tears gracefully and get up again and face everything. It used to be so simple in the years of minnie mouse and winnie the pooh I was two and you were four. Who knew ten years later we might meet and cause so much heartache. Do you even remember when we could reside in fairytales and bullshit reality. When we didn't have to think about the future. Life was all about the present. It was too good to stay real. There is do much to do and so much to regret and even though we might not want to so much we could forget, so much we can't forget. You are going to look back at this someday you will, you will. And there is nothing you can't expect in a world where the bad guy is your best friend, prince charming is your friends brother and the fairy godmother is not close when you need her. And the one life you leave behind might be the best life you ever had. It's hard to trust when you don't know what people are doing things for its hard to see you're friends leave you. Seeing things fall apart, wondering what life could have been like if you didn't make that one mistake that one night. People will change and you won't know what to do. You're best friend will cry and blame you and you will have to breathe even when its so hard too. And I think if I could go back in time I wouldn't have taken my last months so lightly. Up until now I didn't see how much I might regret everything. Fuck it all up again. Trying to pull one thing together while keeping another from slipping right out of my fingers. I've died too many times. I can't always be the one pulling myself out of the ground.