Every second I'm dying inside. So sub-conciously I have put up a wall to protect myself form falling down again. I just want to put my life on pause, and runaway. Go off to the middle of nowhere, a place where the sun never shines and the wind is always blowing. A place I can think. And then after sometime I could try to come back. Cause right now this just isn't working. What I want is right in front of me, but the second I have the chance to get it the wall goes up and I'm closed off from reality. It's like my mind is doing everything it can to stop my heart from getting hurt. I can't focus anymore, and the person I'm putting out to the world isn't myself. I just feel everything inside me swirling around and its toxic to my mind. You know what the saddest part is? I never thought I would be hurt in this way. And being away from him for so long I thought I was safe. But now he's back and I'm so scared all I want to do is run.