There are things that I do, say, ways that I act, that I just hate. Hate more than anything. When I catch myself doing them I just want to crawl into a cave and lock myself away as a punishment for acting in such a strange manner. And it's not once or twice that this has happened it's everyday. I just act on my instincts and those instincts do not always lead me to the right path. I mean being myself, I have gotten everything I ever reached to get. Being myself I have never had to think of the worst case scenario I just get to live and I will come to find what I am looking for. But I do not like being myself anymore. I think if I was a more controlled, less impulsive person, I would have much more self respect. I would enjoy my life more. I would be able to smile when the sun came out instead of purging due to a sudden sick feeling that comes onto me. At the same time though, I think I'm a bit too self aware. I don't want this awful feeling of regret so I just sit back and watch things happen rather than living and experiencing life like I "should" be. I have a lot to work on. A lot.