Honestly infatuation on its own isn't such an awful thing. It can open you up to new experiences, give you a test run to decide if you might actually have feelings for someone. Usually though this is not the case. Infatuation can be really fake. Confusing you more, keeping your head spinning. This wouldn't be that bad on its own though, in about four months it would be up and you move on with your life. And you've been given an opportunity to learn and flourish. But humans are flawed animals so there is a catch. It is said that it takes twenty one days for something to become a habit. Anything. Like waking up at six am or making coffee in the morning or brushing your teeth. And this can be a really good thing. For instance if you are a total crack head and you have the perseverance to stop smoking for twenty one days, you've pretty much killed the addiction and you can move the fuck on with your life. The thing is though when you mix this with infatuation you get into a whole tangled mess. Because as those four months end the habit has already sunk into your skin about five times over. So although you don't feel anything anymore you expect the warmth of that morning hug. Those harmless conversations. You expect to have a reason to get up in the morning but you just don't anymore. Your head clears the fog infatuation creates for itself and you see what you have been chasing after for what it really is. 

     I feel myself lost in the third month of this situation. I'm still in its intoxication but I can see a clearing at the end of the path. I'm watching myself fall out of something but honestly I have to ask myself do I really want to fall out. I don't need the lust or the heartbreak I just need the comfort. Because this isn't love its loneliness. 

You know right now I could drop everything and I would sit by the river and watch the boats go by and let them travel to their destinations and hope that if they get lost they turn it into an adventure rather than a catastrophe. And I would just sit there and try to remember how to breathe. It's been almost two years now and I still haven't figured it out but I don't really mind it anymore.